you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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