why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
