Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
