His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
