She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
