Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
my vag is so smooth its legendary
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Randomize
