Will you blow on my dice?
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
