I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
These tits shall not be calmed
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
