please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
a search helicopter?!
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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