he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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