Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
