I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
