so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
