When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
