Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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