Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
