He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
