I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
false alarm, still single
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
