Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
