I wish I only lived at night.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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