I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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