Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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