So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
