anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
