cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
