Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
