Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Man, jail baloney is awful.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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