At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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