i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Randomize
