The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
