He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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