have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm both gender and math confused
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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