I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
