The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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