my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
