If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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