There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
he had hair everywhere except his balls
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
