so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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