omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
