Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
