so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
