i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
