I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
