Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Randomize
