we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
