...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
