If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I will be naked everywhere
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
