Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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