Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
