playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
