I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
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