I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
